Maurice Nobert writes:

"The Phat in the Hat:

An Anti-Rap Rant in the Meter of Seuss"

Maurice Norbert

Yo… Em, 50 cent, Dre, Snoop, DMX
Roll down the window of that tricked up gold lex
Give me a minute to let me say thanks t’ya
For the career advice ya’ll gave to my wanksta
Son, who wasn’t sure what he would do
Was flailing around for his path as he grew
But finally found the Holy Grail that he sought
In the ciphers and videos of your songs that he bought
Now I know how to get his life on the right track
I can see how my old plan for him was just whack
You guys make so much more money than me
I saw you win gold on the MTV
You call women bitches and Hos when you please
Then find em all lined up backstage on their knees
All I had was some girlfriends then just my wife
For the last 25 years, that ain’t much of a life
I just know my boy can do better like you
When he’s a bit older and you’re older too
Maybe when you have daughters just about sixteen
He’ll be in his prime, you know just what I meanHe’ll be a gangsta like you – he’ll put your girls on the street
Give em X, smack and crack and when needed a beat
down to keep em in line, but you’ll understand, they just Hos so its fine
They’ll give him their money from working their knees
He’ll be the best of the P.I.M.P.s
He’ll get pissed at your neighbor’s teenage kid in a bar
Spray your house by mistake and kill your kids from his car
When you come after him with your posse and macs
I’ll be so proud when he trumps your puny attacks
With 3 RPGs and a claymore or two
Too bad about that school in the way when he do

(Refrain
You so bad you are the one
I want ya’ll to teach my son
To be like you when he gets older
Not much tougher but a whole lot colder
His mom and sister still seem sweet
How’s he gonna treat all Hos like meat
He’s got friends of all colors in every hood
Now that can’t be any fuckin good
Please help him learn to spew rhymes of hate
Make him a gangsta before its too late)

But he’ll be the baddest gangsta ass ever has been
He’ll kill you, all your neighbors and most of your kin
If you fuck with him once or even look at him funny
He’ll put your mom on the street and then take all your money
He’s only 5”2’ and weighs 110 soaking wet
But that don’t mean shit cause it’s the weapons you get
And that you will use without hesitation
If I can get him a nuke he can rule the whole nation
After all Em and 50 he’s learned this shit well
From your lyrics and poses and the stories they tell
The baddest ass rules hey my boy can do that
We been learning that shit since the cat in the hat
From Ghengis to Adolf from Pol Pot to Idi
The strong always ass fuck all them needy
With swords, clubs and guns that go rat-tat-tat-tat
But that isn’t all we can do said the phat
Look at me, look at me, look at me now
You can be a bad ass but you have to know how
Tattoos and mac 10s aren’t for shit said the phat
I’ve got better that that said the phat in the hat
Lucky these gangstas you would ‘Em’ulate
As badasses go aren’t even fishbait
Compared to the really bad asses out there
All you rap gangstas seem like ya’ll style hair

My boy isn’t going to be soft like you are
Primp on TV and show off in your car
He’s learned your lessons better than you
He’ll own all your daughters before he is through
He’ll have your wife out on the street with your ma
They’re all Hos to him he’s a badass gangsta

I got him a plan that I know you’ll approve
I’ll bust him right out of his middle class groove
The college fund I’ve saved for his future degree
Will come in handy now for his first armory
I’ll pull his ass out of school it was only a fad
Get his real schooling from the true masters of bad
At the Holocaust museum he’ll take copious notes
In the Killing Fields he’ll get souvenirs in his totes
A class trip to Africa will help calibrate
Just how far Gangstas need to go to know how to hate
He’ll learn from the Boers, Hutus and Amin
The fine art of genocide and the tanning of skin
You don’t need tattoos and a fuckin head rag
To whack off kids arms take’em home in a bag

We’ll stop off in Bosnia to see how its done
Rapin them 3 year olds and maybe a nun
We’ll spend years counting tears of the world’s history
Skulls and babies on pikes as far as you see
Tortured inquisitions in Europes hall of fame
Comanches, Mau Mau, Japanese, just the same
Every culture in every time steeped in blood steeped in bile
With each their own camp line, step up single file
Our souls reside deep inside our animal nature
Hate and lust, fear, mistrust, are Darwin’s legislature
My boy’ll study masters then kick all your asses
At your own fuckin game you poser badasses

(to the tune of Slim Shady)
“Will the real bad asses please stand up
please stand up
please stand up
You other badasses are just naughty lasses
Acting up
Acting up”

Shit 50 you got far on several gunshots
Add a few rhymes and you’re with the hotshots
If he starts out by trumping your violence I figga
He can jump over Em as the new white boy nigga
So I bought him some Sarin and his splash will be bigga
When he leaves your whole family and neighbors in rigga
He’ll be the badass with the very most vigga
Who needs your popguns or even a trigga

New fashions will follow as everyone knows
No one will want to buy your kind of clothes
He’ll make your scalps into dewrags and then
Sell your scrota as belly packs (very high end)
Tattoos of course will be out of fashion
Ear necklaces ala Nam will be the new retro passion

Badder asses then you have fucked up this planet
Long before rap or the efforts to ban it
Now that I understand just what it takes
For success in your world and the money it makes
I know how to advance my son’s new career
I’ll just take out his heart, no more love, no more fear
I’ll surgically remove all his empathy too
So that anything living he’ll kill or he’ll screw

My next kid I’ll get on the right track from the start
Then I won’t have to physically cut out his heart
I’ll have my wife raise him, keep all men away
Except to abuse them on every third day
From men he will get only distance and pain
Fear, anger and self-hatred his heart will train
Strength, violence and men will seem like hand and glove
And womanly weak will seem kindness and love
Then when he is ready to become a man
Choking those feelings will seem the best plan
Feeling love for a women will make him so feel
Like a baby again or a girl who should kneel
That to the whole world he will loudly declare
That women are Hos and he just doesn’t care
What any of them want, just fuck em instead
He’ll use em up dry and then leave em for dead
Then no one will know his secret so dark
That deep down inside in the pit of his heart
That need for his mom and deep insecurity
Drive all this hyper-masculinity

And when I’m done I will set him on you
Son #1’s arsenal on son #2
The evilest empire since the fall of the sickle
He’ll make 50 cent look like less than a nickel
Dr. Dre will look like Dr. Spock, be so tamed
And Eminem will look like just what he’s named
My little gangsta engineered from the start
Will ravage your women and eat all your hearts
He’ll rhyme like a fiend as he burns down your hood
In his body part fashions he’ll look mighty good
Up on stage while accepting the VMA gold
He’ll reach down Snoop’s throat and his lungs grab a hold
Ripped out with a flourish and thrown to the crowd
Then caught like a garter and brandished so proud

Yo… Em, 50 cent, Dre, Snoop, DMX
Your daughters backstage will be ready for sex
Down on their knees smokin crack, doin’ X
Havin learned how to Ho from their own Daddys’ text
Now go on roll back up that tinted lex glass
My boy says his thanks for your baby’s Ho ass

(By the way Em, I know this is right up your alley
No need to wait for my boy to launch little Hallie
I’m sure Snoop will turn her as soon as she’s ripe
Or 50 will Ho her with nary a gripe
Cause they’d Ho any bitch, it’s clear from their song
And you’d rape your ma, so what could be wrong)

If cappin motherfuckers and ho’in all bitches
Is the badass’ road on to fame on to riches
And the badder you are the higher you go
Then just be prepared to reap what you sew
If some wanksta comes and shoots up your son
Then rapes your daughter and wife just for fun
And shoots in your spine so you can’t even crawl
Then laughs at your ciphers while you piss in your hall
Just be ready to nod and hand him your crown
Don’t whine when your karma comes back on around

Copyright © 2003 Maurice Nobert
All Rights Reserved