We Are All Suspects, If Ashcroft Has His Way

by Molly Ivins

Thursday, December 6, 2001

Chicago Tribune

AUSTIN, Texas -- With all due respect, of course, and
God Bless America too, has anyone considered the
possibility that the U.S. attorney general is becoming
unhinged?

Poor John Ashcroft is under a lot of strain here. Is
it possible his mind has started to give under the
weight of responsibility, what with having to stop
terrorism between innings against doctors trying to
help the dying in Oregon and California? Why not take
a Valium, sir, and go track down some nice domestic
nut with access to anthrax, OK?

Not content with the noxious U.S.A. Patriot bill (for
Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing
Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct
Terrorism Act--urp), which was bad enough, Ashcroft
has steadily moved from bad to worse. Now he wants to
bring back FBI surveillance of domestic religious and
political groups.

For those who remember COINTELPRO, this is glorious
news. Back in the day, Fearless Fibbies, cleverly
disguised in their wingtips and burr haircuts, used to
infiltrate such dangerous groups as the Southern
Christian Leadership Conference and Business
Executives Against the War in Vietnam. This had the
usual comedic fallout, along with killing a few
innocent people, and was so berserk there was a
standing rule on the left--anyone who proposed
breaking any law was automatically assumed to be an
FBI agent.

Let's see, who might the Federal Fosdicks spy upon
today? Columnist Tom Friedman of The New York Times
recently reported from Pakistan that hateful Taliban
types are teaching in the religious schools, "The
faithful shall enter paradise, and the unbelievers
shall be condemned to eternal hellfire." Frightful!
Put the Baptists on the list.

Those who agitate against the government, constantly
denigrating and opposing it? Add Tom Delay, Dick Armey
and Rush Limbaugh to the list.

Following the J. Edgar Hoover Rule (anyone who
criticized Hoover or the FBI was automatically
targeted as suspect), we need to add the FBI alumni
association. According to The Washington Times: "A
half-dozen former FBI top guns, including once-
Director William Webster, have voiced their dismay at
Ashcroft's strategy of detention and interview rather
than prolonged investigation and surveillance of those
suspected of terrorism. They contend the new plan will
fail to eliminate terrorist networks and cells,
leaving the roots to carry on. The harsh criticism
seems calculated to take advantage of growing concerns
in Congress about Ashcroft's overall anti-terrorism
approach."

Harsh criticism? Put the ex-FBI agents on the list.
Come to that, "growing concerns"? Put Congress on the
list.

I cannot commend too strongly those hardy, tough-
minded citizens ready to sacrifice all our civil
rights in the fight against terrorism. It's clear to
them anyone speaking up for civil liberties is on the
side of the terrorists, and that's the kind of
thinking that has earned syllogism the reputation it
enjoys today.

Some of us are making lists and checking them twice to
see who stood with us on this particular St. Crispin's
Day. And when next we see you Federalist Society types
at some debate over, say, strict construction, we'll
be happy to remind you how much you really care when
the chips are down. With the honorable exception of
the libertarian right (William Safire, Rep. Bob Barr),
the entire conservative movement is missing in action,
and so are a lot of pious liberals.

And what could be better than the insouciance with
which the attorney general himself approaches the
Constitution? During his six years in the Senate, he
tried to proposed no fewer than seven constitutional
amendments. Since we've only managed to amend it 17
times in the last 200 years (that's leaving out the
Bill of Rights), it's an impressive record. Of course,
one of John Ashcroft's proposed amendments was to make
it easier to amend. Another was the always helpful
flag-burning amendment, which had it been in effect,
would have done so much to prevent the terrorist
attacks.

Yep, if we had a constitution largely rewritten by
John Ashcroft, as opposed the one we're stuck with by
such picayune minds as Madison, Washington, Franklin,
Hamilton, etc., we'd be a lot safer today.

Wouldn't we? How? you ask. Well, for example, uh . . .
And there's . . . uh. Well at least we could have had
a better visa system. So that has nothing to do with
the Constitution: picky, picky.

In this fight for our cherished freedoms, those
cherished freedoms should definitely be the first
thing to go. Sieg heil, y'all.

Copyright © 2001, Chicago Tribune